Sometimes you want to know more about something; you want to go deeper than what it seems to be on the outside. You wade in to your ankles and you think, ah yes, this is her temperature. This is the edge of her flow, her general gist. These are the emotions and creatures she gives off to others. You wade in waist deep and you think, ah… there are different temperatures. Some areas contain different biomes altogether. One area seems a little too murky… wait… here’s the area that leads to most of what we see on the surface. Refractions begin to give off odd shadows, and there come some parts that are just too dense to see. You decide to carry on and explore these areas later, after going in head first and seeing the core. So you do. You dive. You see the purity of its core, the glow of the centre: it’s real, but also a mirage. Somewhat like a heatwave you never reach, but always feel. Very much solid, but never seen. You feel like you’ve reached a nirvana of some sorts. You think, right, this is… me. Now I know. I’ve explored as deep as I possibly can, and now I understand the essence of what makes this something a thing. I understand it more than I can explain it. Like a synthetic colour without shadow, and no natural substance that reflects it. I know the inner working of her mind, the innermost layer of her being. You leave then, completely forgetting that she or it or what is alive. Alive and growing, and changing with time. Dying and forever in motion, she repositions and shifts the future. But you say you know her core, leaving behind the darker areas that had gone unexplored. Not realising that these areas could affect her later.

A few years pass and something dark flits past out the corner of your eye. It seems familiar, like the resemblance you see between cousins, or a habit that you’d rid yourself of aeons ago. Upon further investigation, you realise it is the something you wanted to know more about before. You think, wait… don’t I already know everything about this? It must have grown, but I knew it already… But this accidental glimpse into its thoughts brings on a heavy doubt. A sudden uneasiness that seeps into the pure grounds. The heatwaves are suddenly a little bit closer… like someone who had spoken too soon and only realised it just as their words were sealed by society. You also understand that it’s better to know the truth than remaining in ignorance. However, sometimes it is better to remain ignorant… especially when there is the unsettling feeling, the disquietude. An aroma of learned disgust that you’d rather not touch…

So, to know or not? Or rather, to admit or not?


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